Ugh. Mental battle.

I'm struggling this evening, so I need to process it all via the written word.  Although I have the mind set that I'm going to leave the topic ambiguous, I know it would probably be better if I didn't.  I feel as though we hold back because of our fears, so lets start there.  I fear sounding like 1. a broken record, 2. a stupid girl, just craving attention or a compliment (which I'm totally not) 3. I'm weak. 

Okay.  Now that those things are said and out of the way.  I'm having horrendous negative self talk about my self and my body tonight.  Like intoxicatingly negative.  Heavy heart, like an elephant is standing on my chest.  I went to collect some of my things from my appartment tonight and I came across some jeans.  Decided to see if they were something I could wear Saturday for our Annual Falliday.  That was a bad idea.  I know my body has changed substantially since last fall, but at the same time I think part of me was content pretending like I hadn't. Well, those two frames of mind met, and reality kicked denials ass.  Both pairs of jeans I tried on came no where close to fitting.  Like got them to just above knee and it was game over. 

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I tend to want to do or start things on a specific time frame.  Like not leaving to go to the gym until 12:30 opposed to 12:24.  Same with weeks and months.  As I admited, I've known my body has grown, and I know reformative action is in my future, but I've been waiting til that opportune moment.  After my S&R retest, after the month is over, etc. etc.  I hate that game.  I need to eat my own words via Dr. Phil, "Someday is not a day of the week". 

I also need to remember two other important things.  1. (before the jeans incident) I felt healthy and strong. And, 2. "You either make yourself miserable of you make your self strong.  The amount of work is the same" -Carlos Castaneda.  Feeling negative about yourself or your circumstance gets you absolutely nowhere.  I think its okay to honor all feelings, but do it and move on.  So I request a moment of silence for my pity party this evening regarding my growing arse and number on the blasted scale. *............................*Okay.

With that said, I'm determined to kick the negative thoughts to the curb..and not just the curb down the street.  How about a curb down in Timbuktoo.  Its going to be a beautiful weekend, and there is lots of fun to be had. 

Oh, and maybe this is a perfect time to announce that my goal for 2012 is to actually complete my "Body Image Workbook".  And I'm going to see if I can't start a small group.  I have a fabulous book, full of terrific information as well as worksheets and activities to complete to assist individuals in reshaping their body image.  So if you are interested at all in following along with me, please let me know.  I ripped appart the actual book today so I can scan/copy everything, so I can get whomever a copy so we can truck along through it together.  And if I send you an invitation to do so, please don't think its because I think your body needs some work.  Maybe its because I, need your support and help to hold me accountable; and I think I've heard a statistic that only 2-3% of the worlds population of women considers themself beautiful.  Lets change that. 

I think this girl needs some Just Dance to get some endorphins and those feel good neurotransmitters flowing. 

The Good Life

Lately I have been LAD....similar to LTD.  Opposed to Living THE Dream, I say I have been Living A Dream.   As an achiever my dreams are constantly changing, but I can admit that right now...Life Is Good.  I'm in love with: my job, my best friend, my health, my family.  What more can a girl ask for.  Well...ok, no I won't go there.  Although there is always room for improvement, I know I'm blessed. 

Yesterday was the awesomest, yes, awesomest, day at work ever.  I got caught up on the last 45 days of reconciling closing paperwork and sending it to corporate (a task that should be done daily, but has been neglected with our departments management change), I have created a streamlined version of our business binder (includes my DH Daily Walk through/tasks, team member daily duties for opening and closing, as well as a communication log and a business tracker), participated in our DH/Leadership meeting, and to top it off got to enjoy craft time for a majority of my day.  All at Work.  I think I have found a true fit.  I get to utilize all my talents, and daily.  

Ashley cleaning up the Ghost Poop (brown paint spill)

This weekend we are hosting a Spooktacular Open House, in honor of Halloween.  Slowly we have been transforming our sleek and sophisticated lobby into black and orange Halloween fun.  As a leadership team we put our brains and creative juices together to design an exciting Saturday including pumpkin painting, cookie decorating, HallowWiin Contest, trick or treating, and photo booth opportunities.  Our OPS guy went and bought some wood, our talented GM drew a Halloween scene with the characters faces cut out, and the BA and myself went to town on painting.  It was a blast.  So Saturday, if you aren't busy you should come over to Bloomington North Life Time Fitness and have some Halloween fun from 10-1.  We will all be there, in costume, ready to party.

Continuing the dream, we all got home last night and had some dinner, and then had some family fun playing Tetris Party for the Wii.  Suuuper fun.  Lots of laughs.  Before I got too carried away, I cut myself off from the Wii and went to bed by 10:15. (Previous nights Barbi and I have been up playing Tetris til 12:30...makes for a rough morning).

Thursday mornings are bittersweet, because I don't have to go to work at BN-LTF...but then again, I don't have to go to work at BN-LTF.  When you enjoy your job as much as I am right now, its kind of sad - but I know time away is important.  Rather, I do whatever I want for the morning, and work at the Chiropractic clinic in the afternoon/early evening.  Thursday mornings I usually get up, have an awesome breakfast (eggs, apple, oatmeal, and coffee), kick it with the puppies, and watch Holmes on Homes with Clint.  Which has been exactly the case this morning. We love this show; although it makes me leery with wanting to purchase a home in the next year.  You never know what you are getting into.  Oye. 

Last week, and likely today in a little while, I will get outside for some fresh air at Lebanon.  Like I said, Living A Dream.  Loving the fall weather, the bright blue sky this morning, and that cool crisp air.  So I should probably wrap this post up and get my rear in gear.  

Looking forward to Saturdays Spooktacular, followed by FALLIDAY.  For those of you who don't know Falliday is the holiday in between Labor Day and Thanksgiving. Falliday is when I get together with the women from my moms family (gma, aunts, aunt from Texas comes to town, sister, and cousins) for a girls day.  Previous Fallidays we went to a vineyard/wine tasting and a boat cruise in Stillwater.  This year we are going to go to some retail locations, a coffee/wine bar, and a well known Italian restaurant in St. Paul.  So stay posted for more Falliday news and recap.  

Have a BEAUTIFUL day.  "Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." -Robert Brault 

 

All that Jazz

This post would have likely looked and sounded a lot different had I actually posted it prior to 12pm like I intended.  But regardless, here it goes. 

I had thought of the title "All that Jazz", because, this morning I was Jazzed about life.  It was a fabulous, and then some, weekend.  To recap:



Fierce.



*Friday night strolled the MOA with Peter (crazy busy with Nebraska fans), went to bed early - being on my feet all day, and then walking the mall for a few hours left my legs slightly aggitated. 



Get it.

*Jumped out of bed Saturday morning, went and did a heavy leg lift (love), got my squat back up to a reasonable weight.  Still have work to do, but at least I'm well into the 2-hundo's for 5 reps. 



*As a result of my ubber tight hamstrings, and some core weakness, my low back got a bit aggitated; so after my shift I stuck around and had a fellow MT work on me.  Instant relief!  She did some deep work on low back, glutes, as well as psoas and abs.  If you've never had deep tissue on your abs/psoas, don't.  Okay.  Well do.  But be prepared.  It. Is. Intense.  I'm still sore and my internal organs are still trying to settle down.  (Lets just leave it at that). 



Abby's Packer/Halloween Gang Green Toes :)



*Then Margot and I went to treat our piggies to some TLC.  PEDICURE. Yum.  Talk about Happy Feet. 

*We went back to the Andrus compound and vegged the rest of the day.  Kickin it with Barbi's nieces/nephew who were staying for the weekend, grilled, crafted, played Wii, had an awesome day. 

*Played wayyy too much Tetris with Barbi, wayyy to late - so I didn't exactly jump out of bed Sunday morning.  None the less, got up, got to work, did my thang.  Then picked up Peter (he was at Hamline Homecoming Festivities Saturday), and we made a run for the border. 



*Went to Mom and Jacks for birthday (Jon & Peter) Grillebration (Grill + Celebration).  Got to love on Dain, Ella, and Nolan (which I was experiencing withdrawls it had been so long since I'd seen them). 



Aaron Rodgers driving the mini-golf cart around the yard



*Watched the Packer/Viking game.  Lets not talk about any other sports happenings.  Wisconsinites have been pretty lucky for fall sports, but Saturday was a definete dark spot.

Love Bug Packer Cheerleader - Ella Jane

*Got to take care of some overdue laundry; and while waiting for 3 loads to dry, we watched the Blu Ray version of Soul Surfer.  This is why I was Jazzed about life this morning.  I could watch that movie every day, and it would move and motivate me every time.  There are a few parts that make me misty eyed, even for the fourth time watching. 

*Today, Monday October 24th, I woke up Jazzed about life.  I got up, had my breakfast (oatmeal, and Chocolate Whey Protein Coffee Shake) and got in my shoulder/bi lift.  Wahoo.  Start your day with that breakfast and that lift...its bound to be a great day! 

*Random: Over the weekend, since Barbi's nieces/nephew were around, one of them kept getting startled by my intense text notification sound, so I changed it.  Well, I forgot I changed it until I finally had the ringer on today.  Sitting at my desk.  All of a sudden I hear "bbbbbbbpppptt" (electronic fart noise).  Scared the shit out of me (no pun intended).  Def made me laugh.  Reminds me of Peter, and when I asked him "why are farts so funny?".  His response, "because it comes from your butt, and you can't see it."  

*Currently, my back/abdomen is still aching, and I'm thinking some hot tub time and stretching is def in my future.  Despite my current slight discomfort, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.  Its going to be a great week!  Hope ya'll had a great weekend.  Halloween is around the corner.  Can't wait!!!! Stay Posted on Spooktacular happenings in my world.

Consistency & Fundies

Holy Buckets.  I had a case of the Mondays today.  Not in a bad way exactly, yet I don't know how a case of the Mondays can ever really be a great thing.  But I just felt like I was plugging away at all my various tasks, but getting NO WHERE on anything; and when I feel like I might be getting somewhere, another 5 things get put on my lap.  Oye.  I had to take some time to revisit some brilliance of Brian Johnson, and the PhilosophersNotes I've been missing terribly.  (I signed up to receive the notes at with a different email, so I'll be going through them again, and I think some new ones!  SCORE!)  

So, due to my day of what seemed to feel like running in place for 8+ hours, I decided to visit two mini chapters.  To start with, I selected "Consistency on the Fundamentals".  Check it out, and the next paragraph or two of ramblings will make more sense.

Sharma explains that throughout all levels and styles of greatness the re-occurring theme is that these individuals exhibit passionate consistency on their fundamentals.  They show up day in and day out, and take care of the 'big rocks'.  The things that will set them up for success.  In my new role as a Department Head, this is one thing I have been spending a lot of my time working on.  Although previous leadership did great things, I tend to have a very particular and detailed look at the fundamentals of any and all organizations.  Many fundie tasks (I like that, "fundie") have been neglected, so not only do we need to revisit these neglected tasks, we need to learn how to move forward and manage these tasks weekly, and in some cases daily.  I have had to go through all the procedures we use, and take a very critical and analytically look at the processes.  Break them down, decide what is critical, recommit to abandoned procedures or implement new ones.  This process is incredibly time consuming, especially when you have to stay current with what is going on in the hear and now.  Life doesn't slow down for you to catch up.  Which is why I understand and accept the craziness of the last few weeks, and probably the next several.  I'm establishing my fundies.  Which will just set us all up for success in the future.  Gotta have the fundies, man.

Second mini chapter I scoped out this evening, "Consistency over Intensity".  Oddly and perfectly enough, Brian uses the Personal Training metaphor to help explain this chapter.  The number one thing that stuck with him as he trained to be a personal trainer is that consistency is better than intensity.  Now that's not to say that once you are consistent, you can't jack up the intensity.  But as he says: "It's way better to simply put on your shoes, head out and do a nice, mellow workout, CONSISTENTLY then it is to go all gonzo and then never go back."  I have been doing a pretty good job at work, but I need to remember this mini-chapter, all day, everyday; because as I meticulously go through and recommit our fundies, I need to just be consistent.  Even if that means that everyday (for awhile) feels like today did.  Just pluggin' away.  I can't get it all done in one day.  Ugh.  That was painful to type.  But if I'm consistent, things will happen, and I won't burn myself out in the process.  So self, although you brought home work and just came in the office to print work related things, and totally got side tracked by blogging/Philosophers notes...it's okay.  I've consistently been at it since about 9am today...I think I've done enough.  Tomorrow is another day.

So.  Conclusion.  Consistent Fundies Consistantly.  Reminds me of the story of the stonecutter.

  A stonecutter hits a rock with his hammer.  The stone splits.  The casual observer sees this and things, "Wow, That guy is really strong.  I can't believe he broke that huge rock with a single blow!"   

The reality (obviously) is that the stonecutter didn’t break it in a single blow—he’d been hammering away at that rock for a long time. Many, many blows went into the rock before it finally split.

Most people see someone who has achieved some level of success--whether it’s enlightenment or celebrity status or financial wealth--and think, “Wow, they sure must be lucky.”

Obviously, the stonecutter isn’t strong enough to break a rock in one blow and no one is “lucky” enough to reach any level of excellence without an equally diligent and consistent effort.

So, hit the rock

Again. And again. And again.

You will break the rock.

Rock on.  Make Tuesday a GREAT one!  Much Love.

Peter Grant

It's about time I post about someone who I don't know what I would do without.  Someone who is there through thick and thin.  Someone who makes me smile with the greatest ease.  Someone who I can trust.  And someone who never ceases to amaze me.  The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan.  Okay, I'm kidding, but for real...Cesar is brilliant.

my baby blues. 

Monday, October 17th is Peter Grant Andrus's 25th birthday, so I wanted to finally take some time to write about the old man.  For those of you who don't know our story, I'll start from the beginning.  In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth...okay. Maybe not THEE beginning, but OUR beginning.  The summer of 2008 I was living in Prescott, and a college teammate connected another college roommate/teammate, Karrie, with a place to sublease in St. Paul while she worked at her summer internship in Minneapolis.  The house was blocks away from the Hamline University campus, and Karrie's new roommates were all students at HU.  One summer evening, the sand volleyball team I played on was in dire need for some subs, specifically male subs; so I called Karrie and her 1412 Taylor Ave. roommates to the rescue.  Karrie delivered herself, and two other guys to play on our team for the night, and another guy for good measure. Mr. Good measure, Peter (sporting a FULL afro like head of curly/wavy hair and sweaty under armor from Football Conditioning moments earlier), posted up on the sidelines with a pitcher of beer and cheered us on.  It must have been shortly after that evening, that Karrie said, "Ya know....I think you and Pete should go out". I was very single and was game, after hanging out with Karrie and everyone 1412,  a few group outtings here and there, and some back and forth regarding arrangements I just told Karrie to give him my number.  I invited him to come with a friend of mine to River Falls Days, but he unfortunately had to work.  After giving him a hard time, he actually called in sick to work, and joined us.  We roamed around River Falls, talking, getting to know each other better, and eventually drove back to Prescott and stayed up talking into the wee morning hours.  Seriously.  I was working at the Hastings Dunn Bros at the time, and I maybe closed my eyes for 30 min before leaving to start my morning shift.  And yes, this farewell after long night, was the first kiss moment.

Soon enough, Peter and I went out on an official date. Our first date was supposed to be dinner and a movie, but as USUAL he was late (hehe, jk babe. I'm the one who is usually late), he picked me up and we headed off to the Drive Inn in Cottage Grove to see The Dark Knight.  It was the first night it was out, so the line was super long to get in, so we abandoned dinner plans and waited to get in the Drive Inn lot.  First dates can often have their awkward moments, and for Peter I think they pretty much included the fact that when we pulled up to the ticket booth we learned that they only take cash - therefore, luckily I was carrying cash, paid for our admission.  Not ideal situation for a guy who finally officially asked a girl out.  Not only did I pay for admission, I paid for our make shift Drive Inn dinner.  But it was worth it.  :)  We decided to skip the second movie and head back to Prescott, went on a walk around down town.  We were pretty much an unofficial item for awhile (and understand this is my side of the story), and then football season hit.  Like a ton of bricks.  We had been spending a lot of time together, and then suddenly, two-a-days, film, team, sleep, etc took over.  I tried to be patient and supportive, but there were some tough times.  Long story short, we were in different places, and were unable to really make things work.  But something about him just always stuck with me, and we remained close friends.

It was sometime in the late summer of 2009 and I had just moved to Eagan, and he worked just down the road a few miles from where I lived so he would stop by before or after work to chat.  I could tell something about him had changed, and that he wasn't just stopping platonically.  Sure enough, he admitted he wanted to give us another chance.  Although I was happy and flattered to hear him say this, I was hesitant because football season was yet again upon us.  Proceeding slowly over the next few months, I attended as many games and functions as I could, still as an unofficial item.  Holiday season approached, and we started to attend family holiday functions together.

Holiday love.

I have to tell a funny story however.  Peter is very casual and go with the flow; so much so, that when he brought me to the Richardson Family Christmas, he didn't exactly introduce me to everyone, and we hadn't given ourselves the official GF/BF title yet.  So one of his cousins asked me if I was there with, and a friend, of his Step-moms.  Peter was sitting about 5 feet away from me, I looked over at him, he looked at me with the deer in headlights look, and didn't say a word.  Ha!  Thanks for the help Peter.  Awkward.

Peter getting side tracked....go figure.

 Went up to Pinewood for New Years Eve and some snowmobiling for a few days, and it was there that we/I just decided to establish our official "Anniversary" as December 31st, 2009.  Simply because it would be easy for him to remember; which later turns out to be false, as he forgot last year.  We'll see if that happens again.  Ha. So approaching two years later (3 if you include our 'unofficial' year), he makes me laugh and smile more than ever.  Some days he drives me completely crazy, but 30 seconds later he does something that makes me forgive and forget his odd habits and behaviors.

I often refer to him as my 'over grown toddler'; because he is about 6-2, 250, but is so young at heart, and has such boyish 'charm'.  If you can call announcing "Fire in the hole!" before farting "charm".  Regardless, it makes me laugh every time.  Oh, and then shaking his butt like he has ants in his pants right after farting.  Yep ladies, he's all mine.  I'll have to post again later, with a list of all his "charming" behaviors; like pinching ME to make sure HE isn't dreaming.  But through ups and downs, thick and thin....I fall more in love with him everyday.  Doesn't mean I like him every moment of every day, especially when he is torturing and tickling me...but I sure do LOVE Peter Grant.  

First 'real' Vacation together.

Doing what he does best, Make me laugh.

Happy Birthday Weekend Punkin. (even though you probably have never read any of my blog, because you claim to not know how to find people's blogs - I love you anyway).

10.12.11 Gandhi, Emerson, Truman

Today, well the last few weeks, have been pretty busy at work as I'm learning a ton, and feeling my way around my new position.  There has been some frustrations and stress, but I've been truly enjoying every moment of it.  I can't even explain how awesome it is to 1. get to go to the gym everyday for work, 2. have new and exciting challenges to face every day, 3. be surrounded by great co-workers and members, and 4. be in a position of power.  Not that I'm the mighty powerful Oz or anything.  But still. 

While at work today, I had a realization and change of heart.  A very well known quote by Gandhi is as follows, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."  I was pretty indifferent when it came to my feelings towards this thought; unlike many quotes, surprisingly it didn't give me the warm fuzzies or make me want to go move mountains.  Until today.  

Without going into heavy detail about the hoops, hurdles, and obstacles I've endured this week at work, I have come to the realization (again) that Anything is Possible, and that I can write my own destiny; even at work.  Often times in large companies there can be discrepancies between suggested protocol and how things are actually implemented.  Especially when the protocol orders are being given from afar.  Issues can also arise, especially in large (talking nation wide companies, here) corporations when there is great variance in the structures, actions, and leadership of the individual locations.  These thoughts have spiked my interest once again in Industrial and Organizational Psychology.  In my undergrad years, I took and enjoyed a I/O Psych course, and I might need to go back and revisit some of the material as it pertains to my life now more than ever.  And by studying up on some of the I/O psych material, I can likely better write my employment destiny.  Evidence #326 that I DO actually use my Psychology background.  I can't tell you how many times people ask me if I think I'll ever go back into the psychology related field.  Dude.  Seriously.  If you only knew.  Psychology is everywhere.  Okay, I'll get off my mini soap box.  If you have further questions about my career path choice, meet me at 1 AM, at the corner of get a map and f....okay, just kidding.  I just wanted to say that.  

Where was I.  Issues at work.  Discrepancies with protocol and implementation.  When there are issues with this discrepancy, usually there is a network in place for employees to receive support and find answers.  Lets just say I haven't had much luck with this network.  Why?  Because my location of employment is a different environment with different capabilities that many of the other larger locations.  This is where Gandhi comes in.  I spent about a day frustrated, annoyed, and worked up about the lack of support and available information.  Another famous quote also sums up my realization, "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail".  Thanks Emerson, well put.  I'm not the first person to face these same issues at my current place of employment.  But if I have anything to do with it, I will be the last.

I feel as though I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  I'm going to blaze a trail and leave my mark.  There isn't protocol to help me through these frustrations, which is frustrating in itself; but it is also incredibly empowering.  I have the desire, ability, intelligence, determination, and fire to be the one to solve these issues.  I experienced this attitude change mid massage session today, and I hope that my client is doing well this evening, because I think I took out my frustrations and newly found determination out on her subscaps and glute medius.  

Until next time, Truman has the final words: "Men make history and not the other way around.  In periods where there is no leadership, society stands still.  Progress occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the opportunity to change things for the better".

Road Trip



Baxter! Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee!



Happy Friday to everyone.  It's been a crazy busy, but good, week for me; I have been transitioning out of working full time at Marty to working full time at Life Time Fitness, so I've been wearing a lot of different hats this week.  Usually I'm not real stoked to spend the bulk of the weekend in a car, but I'm super excited for this weekend road trip.  Why?

1. As just mentioned this week has been nuts.  Like crazy peanut allergy, nuts. 

2. I always look forward to 1-on-1 time traveling with Peter.  It definitely gives us time to catch up, and enjoy eachothers company...mono-e-mono...juan-on-juan.  He just had an interview this morning, and I guess they essentially offered him the job, so I'm anxious to hear more about that.  Stay tuned!

3. As I mentioned, I'm not HUGE on LONG road trips, but I am SO excited to see just how amazingly, stunningly beautiful Mandy Stevens is going to look on Saturday as she marries Greg Vohs.  Mandy Stevens is always easy on the eyes, so I can't imagine just how stunning and happy she will look walking down the aisle.

4. Slow claps, chants, smart ass'in, laughing, etc. It's a basketball girls wedding weekend.  These things will happen.  In excess. 

5.  Taking the opportunity to break up our 12+ hour road trip to visit some friends/family.  We will be departing tonight after the Burnsville vs. Eastview football game, actually hopefully a little after half time.  Desitination #1 is Alma Center, WI to stay with my cousin Leah!  Can't wait to FINALLY see her place.  Then we will get up early and finish the last, and bulkiest, leg of the journey to the wedding/reception sight.  Right now we are planning on driving back to Alma Center Saturday night, so that our Sunday trek is much more manageable.  AND...

6.  We are going to rendezvous with Leah and Brianna, in Eau Claire on Sunday.  Perhaps do some wedding chatting (Brianna is marrying Russ on 06.09.12, and Leah and I are her Maid/Matrons of honor.
7.  Excited to see the beautiful fall colors.  Yes, we will be those people.

A "leaf peeper", or "leafer", is the New England regional slang term for a person, usually a tourist, who drives very slowly throughout the north-east portion of the United States during autumn while looking out the windows of their car at the annual foliage color change. The act performed by leaf peepers is also known as leaf peeping. New England fall foliage is a major tourist attraction for the area, with vibrant red, yellow and orange colors appearing on the deciduous trees after the first snap frosts.

The term gained national attention on the Family Guy episode "Lethal Weapons", where a bunch of obnoxious leafers, particularly from New York, invade the town.

Leafers!

8.  I'm just excited to do something different.  And again, spend some time with Petey Pablo.  Oh, and maybe see if I can't get my 2nd fantasy football win.  Cripes, its been a rough season.

Happy Weekend to ya'll. 

Story of Me - Part II

 Recap of where I left off:
What matters is that I eventually owned up to having a problem, and asked for help.  Through amazing family support, growth in faith, therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy/training, pharmacol, & counseling), time, and self-exploration, it's been two plus years since I've abandoned a disordered eating lifestyle.

As I mentioned, its been thee most formative experience in my life; but not because of the struggles and the lows that I hit, but because what I experienced in picking myself back up.  I tend to be a very resourceful individual, so I utilized Dakota County Assistance programs to assist with costs of counseling, sought growth through small groups at church, read a lot and utilized CBT and Body Image workbooks (still in process), and started working with a Personal Trainer/Nutritionist.

The latter of these, the Personal Trainer/Nutritionist, has also been an amazing experience.  I've learned SO much as far as proper nutrition and how to properly fuel your body to feel and perform the best I am able.  While playing basketball in college, we would have 2+ hour practice, 1+ hour lifting, film, shoot-around, time in the training room, etc. etc.  So I was used to having to spend most of my day being physically active and devoted to that activity, so it was a big lesson for me to learn how to be more efficient.  Sometimes less IS more.  And some of my new programs would only take me 45 min to complete.  This was definitely a new mind set, but I realized that by using a personal trainer/nutritionist, is that they (or this particular individual), has the body down to a science.  My diet and workouts can now be ubber efficient.  No more killing myself with compulsive and excessive exercise, because that was counterproductive anyways.

Additionally, because I'm an "achiever" and have been a part of competitive athletics my entire life I have a constant desire for achievement and for challenging myself.  I'm a perpetual goal setter; so being able to work with a trainer and work towards specific goals has been incredibly fulfilling for me.  One of my previous goals was to train and compete in a Strongwoman Competition with my girl Wilfer.  I was well into my regimen, bulked up, strong, and consuming quite a bit of protein, when Wilfer suffered a labrum injury in her shoulder;  rather than proceed to compete alone, my trainer urged me to think about a bodybuilding competition.

Now for someone recently overcoming an eating disorder, this probably wouldn't be the most advisable thing to do.  I have to admit that I'm pretty open, obviously, about my history and battle with ED (eating disorder), but my trainer is one person I hadn't openly shared my story to.  For many reasons, but none the less if you are wondering why someone would recommend that to an individual with a history like mine...she didn't know.  Although I wouldn't be surprised if she did know without me saying - she's pretty brilliant like that.  Anyways. Bodybuilding has always been on my bucket list, and since I had spent so much time and energy on bulking with my strongwoman training it was a prime opportunity to take advantage of my size and transition into a cut/bodybuilding scheme.  My history with ED also fueled me with motivation to tackle a goal of this magnitude and to achieve it in a healthy and educated manner.  And to be honest this was probably the primary reason why I embarked on that journey.  I wanted to prove to myself that I could accomplish this weight loss/body sculpting goal in the healthiest way (physically, mentally, and emotionally).

Recap of my life/program for the duration of my bodybuilding training:
Diet - up to 7 'meals' a day.  Must be consumed every 2.5-3 hours, missing a meal is worse than missing a workout.  I would prepare meals for the next few days, a couple days a week, and there wasn't much variety happening.  Which was okay, because unlike most of the population, you are focused on consuming food for fuel, not for fun or for taste per say.  And I continue to have that mentality for the most part today, although there are times that I like to enjoy new and different things.

1. Breakfast: 3 egg whites & 1 whole egg, 1/2 fruit, 1/2 cup oatmeal
2. Snack: protein shake, 1/2 fruit (or later in the training calendar) 12 almonds
3. Lunch: 5oz protein, serving of cuniferous veggie, complex carb, 12-15 almonds
4. Snack: protein shake, 12-15 almonds
5. Dinner: 5oz protein, serving of cuniferous veggie, (every other night - complex carb, or later in training calendar...no carb), 12-15 almonds
6. Pre Workout: 2 rice cakes, protein shake
7. Post Workout: 1/2 fruit, whey protein

Workouts varied from 1-2 hours of lifting.  And not just go in an throw some weights around.  Bodybuilding lifting has to be incredibly focused.  The mind-muscle connection needs to be there because you are working on such specific muscle groups.  So focusing on contracting each muscle fiber, with each rep is critical. So while you are on a limited caloric intake these mentally and physically taxing workouts are intense.  Oh and you still have a full time job, or in my case, I had 3 jobs.  Yea.  Still not sure how I did it.  Although the bodybuilding lifestyle thrives on structure, so having 3 jobs probably helped in some sense by keeping me on task every moment of the day, 24/7.

Then there is cardio.  Woof.  In my case I needed fat burning cardio, because well, I needed to burn fat, but I also didn't want to lose my muscle mass I'd worked so hard to build.  Lifting sessions count as some of your cardio, because its a constant boost to the heart rate, but on top of that I started with 30-40 min of slow steady cardio.  Eliptical, rowing, and the evil stair climber.  Stair climber is probably the most efficient, but damn did I dread climbing on that thing some, most days.  As calendar time went on I increased my cardio time from 30 min to 45, to 60, to 60+.  Then towards the end of the journey I tried to get in 45 min of cardio early in the morning before meal 1.  Those where the mornings that I openly cursed that stair climber.

Supplements included the usual.  Fish oil and multivitamin, and some digestive aids (to help with the break down of protein since my protein consumption had to be so high.  And to assist with recovery, BCAA's.  Pretty standard, and since I was entering a Natural Bodybuilding Competition, we kept it simple.  And clean.  :)

Lifestyle.  Insane.  I lived basically out of my car, and ate most meals there as well.  On the run.  Especially having 3 jobs, I basically had 4 uniforms ready in my car every day.  One for Dunn Bros, one for my Clinic job at the time, one for LTF, and one for workouts.  Oye.  The bodybuilding lifestyle is definitely one that requires sacrifices; mostly sacrificing sleep and time with family and friends.  Luckily I have an amazing support system, and although they were likely annoyed and frustrated with me at times, I hope they know how important my journey was to me, and how much I appreciated them letting me follow my dreams.  (Getting teary eyed).  I have to say, this is one reason why I love Peter (and my family) so much.  He is so accepting of me and my crazy goals, whatever they may be, and never complains about the stress and frustration that might ensue.  But times when I need to be brought back to earth, he's there.

I spent about 7 month preparing for the First Annual Badger Classic Natural Bodybuilding Competition.  While most of those 7 months were a blur, it truly was the most insightful, challenging, and educational time of my life.  They say that "Life starts at the end of your comfort zone", and that couldn't have been more true for me.  Not much of the bodybuilding lifestyle, well none of it, is comfortable; but I have never felt more alive.  Besides losing 50 pounds from start to finish, I learned so much about myself and about what I want most in life.  But the biggest lesson that I keep coming back to, is Anything is Possible.

At one point in my life, I think the scale read upwards of 265 and I was, as previously mentioned in Part I, incredibly insecure and essentially ashamed of myself.  And competition day, the proudest day of my life, and I was wearing a skimpy bikini on stage (first time EVER wearing a 2 piece anything...like first time ever), posing, in front of an auditorium full of people.  Again ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.  Annnnything.  I overcame insecurities, battled an eating disorder, conquered 7 months of an intense lifestyle, combated physical, mental, and emotional fatigue, and (as much as I dislike this over used bodybuilding phrase) I Rocked the Stage.

Top Left: Me and Peter day of Competition, Top Right: Mom and I
Bottom Left: Dad and I hugging after end of Prejudging, Bottom Right: My pro shot backstage.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record...Anything is Possible.   I won't try to be superwoman, and deny that this weekend isn't hard for me as it is the 2nd Annual Badger Classic, and I'm physically where I am...but personally, I'm in such an amazing place in my life.  I have a new job that I LOVE, I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend/best friend in Peter, my family as always is amazing, I have a beautiful niece and two handsome nephews that I love, and my health is flourishing.  I'm not convinced that I'm done dabbling in bodybuilding, but right now.  I'm happy.  Thanks for reading.  Being able to 'publish' these stories is incredibly liberating, and gives me a platform to digest it all.  If you want to talk goals, regarding anything in life, I'm more than happy to listen to and encourage anyone, because of what I've learned through my own journey.  Together now...Anything is possible.   

Healthy Way of Life - LTF

I know I said I would post the Story of Me - Part II, but I have too many exciting things happening in the present that I need to share first.  I can finally announce that I have been offered and I have accepted the Massage Department Head Position at Bloomington North Lifetime Fitness!

A little over a month ago, my current boss at LTF decided she wanted to step down from the position to focus on other interests in her life (she's a talented musician), and she stated that she's given all she could give as a DH.  Which I completely understand and relate with; as this was the same reason why I finally hung up my Barrista Apron.  It was simply time to move on and to focus efforts elsewhere.  About 2 days before she announced she was stepping down, I had taken an assessment of what I felt like I was lacking in my current situation, and one of them ironically was that I missed being in a leadership position (thus the post about leadership).  So when I received the email regarding her resignation, I knew the big guy was at work, and that I needed to consider this opportunity.

After sleepless nights, wrasslin' about the idea of yet more change, and my abilities to enter essentially a business role - I interviewed for the position and eventually accepted their offer.  At times when the process got stressful, I just reminded myself that this is what I had asked for; a new challenge...an opportunity to expand my horizons (when I get stressed out and complain to any of you, please remind me of this!).  What stressed me out most was having to give my notice to the Chiropractic Clinic that I have been working at for the last year plus.  They have been amazing employers, and have become great friends to me - and when I was hired last spring, they wanted to know that their new hire was going to be sticking around for some time; as they have gone through numerous massage therapists in the last 2-3 years.  So I assured them that I had no plans to go anywhere for some time; so it was incredibly hard for me to approach them about my new opportunity.  Although they were sad to see me go, they understood and were happy for me.  AND, I have decided to stay on staff one day a week at the clinic - so I will still be around.  So if you are reading this and you are/were a client of mine at the Clinic...come see me on Thursdays!

Where I get to go to WORK!

I have a lot of learning to do, but I'm SO excited to be a bigger part of a great company - LifeTime Fitness. There is great opportunity for growth within the company, which was one big selling point for the 'achiver' in me, and it was one strike against the clinic position - my role there has been for the most part maxed out. I'm so excited to be able to go to the GYM everyday for WORK.  I can't tell you how energizing that is.  It's a great atmosphere, that holds some of the most amazing people; from the front desk staff, to the GM, to the trainers (um JEN...hello!), to my MT's, to the Business Admins, to the Membership advisers.  Plus, in making my schedule for the day...I get to include my workouts.  This might be the closest I get to being able to get paid for working out!  Saweet!  

What is also incredible in this story, is that in my leaving the clinic, I have opened a window for one of my dearest friends in life.  Lynn.  She had stepped away from doing bodywork and had been working in management at Barnes and Noble; and she had recently concluded that the healer in her had been suffering and that she was wanting to get back in to massage.  Knowing this, I talked to her before I put my notice in a the clinic, and like stars aligning and that last puzzle piece snapping into place, she has walked away from BN and is starting her first day at the Chiropractic Clinic this morning.  A win-win for everyone involved.  I feel confident stepping down at the clinic knowing everyone is in Lynn's good hands; and that Lynn is in a great place in a healing roll.  This was all meant to be.

So, thank you all for your support over the last month, and your continued support in my new journey.  I'm so excited for what is to come.  And I would be disowned if I didn't give a shout out to 'Sconnie Sports!  BIG Badger Game tonight, Packers tomorrow, and some Brewer action in there too.  Good weekend to be a Badger/Packer/Brewer.  Hopefull we have a Trifecta W come weekend end.  I'm off to workout then to Prescott to help Steph with the two little ones today as Jon is going up north with Dain to close up cabins.  Have a great weekend everyone.  Story of Me - Part II to come on Monday!