I'm struggling this evening, so I need to process it all via the written word. Although I have the mind set that I'm going to leave the topic ambiguous, I know it would probably be better if I didn't. I feel as though we hold back because of our fears, so lets start there. I fear sounding like 1. a broken record, 2. a stupid girl, just craving attention or a compliment (which I'm totally not) 3. I'm weak.
Okay. Now that those things are said and out of the way. I'm having horrendous negative self talk about my self and my body tonight. Like intoxicatingly negative. Heavy heart, like an elephant is standing on my chest. I went to collect some of my things from my appartment tonight and I came across some jeans. Decided to see if they were something I could wear Saturday for our Annual Falliday. That was a bad idea. I know my body has changed substantially since last fall, but at the same time I think part of me was content pretending like I hadn't. Well, those two frames of mind met, and reality kicked denials ass. Both pairs of jeans I tried on came no where close to fitting. Like got them to just above knee and it was game over.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I tend to want to do or start things on a specific time frame. Like not leaving to go to the gym until 12:30 opposed to 12:24. Same with weeks and months. As I admited, I've known my body has grown, and I know reformative action is in my future, but I've been waiting til that opportune moment. After my S&R retest, after the month is over, etc. etc. I hate that game. I need to eat my own words via Dr. Phil, "Someday is not a day of the week".
I also need to remember two other important things. 1. (before the jeans incident) I felt healthy and strong. And, 2. "You either make yourself miserable of you make your self strong. The amount of work is the same" -Carlos Castaneda. Feeling negative about yourself or your circumstance gets you absolutely nowhere. I think its okay to honor all feelings, but do it and move on. So I request a moment of silence for my pity party this evening regarding my growing arse and number on the blasted scale. *............................*Okay.
With that said, I'm determined to kick the negative thoughts to the curb..and not just the curb down the street. How about a curb down in Timbuktoo. Its going to be a beautiful weekend, and there is lots of fun to be had.
Oh, and maybe this is a perfect time to announce that my goal for 2012 is to actually complete my "Body Image Workbook". And I'm going to see if I can't start a small group. I have a fabulous book, full of terrific information as well as worksheets and activities to complete to assist individuals in reshaping their body image. So if you are interested at all in following along with me, please let me know. I ripped appart the actual book today so I can scan/copy everything, so I can get whomever a copy so we can truck along through it together. And if I send you an invitation to do so, please don't think its because I think your body needs some work. Maybe its because I, need your support and help to hold me accountable; and I think I've heard a statistic that only 2-3% of the worlds population of women considers themself beautiful. Lets change that.
I think this girl needs some Just Dance to get some endorphins and those feel good neurotransmitters flowing.
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